The Greater Malefic

After yesterday’s post, I took a look at some of my own composites and noted oppositions in many of the charts.  I want to focus on some of these oppositions today and discuss what they might mean in terms of how I conceive relationships (given my loaded seventh house and strong Libra presence, this is an area of particular importance for me).  I am very big on looking for patterns across my composites and synastry with lots of people in order to learn new things about myself and why I make the choices I make.

Here are some of the oppositions I will be examining:
1.  Neptune in Sagittarius opposite Mars in Gemini (Neptune in the twelfth, Mars in the sixth) in the composite with my first boyfriend (who is now one of my best friends).  This opposition is squared by Saturn in Virgo on the cusp of the ninth.
2.  Neptune in Sagittarius opposite Sun in Gemini (Neptune in the eleventh, Sun in the fifth) in the composite with my first big crush, whom I am friends with, but quite ambivalent about, really.  This opposition is squared by Jupiter in Virgo in the eighth.
3.  Neptune in Sagittarius opposite a Mars/Venus conjunction in Gemini (Neptune in the first, Mars/Venus in the seventh) in the composite with my only sister (younger by four years).  This opposition is squared by Moon in Virgo in the ninth.
4.  Neptune in Scorpio opposite Sun in Taurus (Neptune in the ninth, but conjunct the MC; Sun in the third, but conjunct the IC) in the composite with my father.
5.  Neptune in Sagittarius opposite Sun/Venus conjunct in Gemini (Neptune conjunct ASC; Sun/Venus conjunct the DSC) in the composite with my best friend.  This opposition is squared by Saturn in Virgo in the ninth.

These are some of the most significant relationships in my entire life (my mother is my only immediate family member not listed, though it should be noted that our composite chart Neptune is exactly opposite my natal Sun), so I am convinced that there is something to this pattern.  As I said in the earlier post, these Neptune oppositions in the composite chart do not have an overall positive reputation (Liz Greene’s discussion in her Neptune book is my major reference for reading about these contacts in a composite chart), as they are often associated with self-deception or hiding of some sort.  In a certain way that is true, and these oppositions (many of which services like astro.com associate with ’savior/victim’ behavior, following Greene’s reading) perhaps indicate a curious manifestation of my strong seventh house/Libra tendencies.

The first opposition, the Neptune/Mars, manifested itself in a classic way.  My first boyfriend and I knew each other for six months before we started dating, and, upon reflection, we pursued a relationship because the friendship was so strong.  Issues of physicality and attraction were confused from the get-go; I had not been physically attracted to him when we first met (I was not physically repelled either–I had no real reaction either way) and my attraction developed over time, as a consequence of his intelligence and good sense of humor.  From the first (and as of now), he found me pretty, but he was always very shy.  The relationship took a drastic turn downward after a little over a year when it was clear he was not enjoying the physical aspect of the relationship.  After nearly six more months of both of us being unhappy, he finally confided in me that he really felt he was asexual, and that the pressure of having to be very physical (which I am–the composite Mars in the sixth house reflects my own Mars (in sensual Taurus) in the sixth house) to make me happy was very difficult to deal with, even though he loved my company.  We broke off our romantic relationship and have such close, loving friendship that I would not trade for the world.  It’s very obvious that the relationship with me forced him to confront this issue, which he had avoided fastidiously up to that point in his life.  With a Pisces Ascendant and Neptune conjunct the Midheaven (in aspect to Sun and Moon as well), Neptune was a key planet for him, and in this composite, it was in its home house, the twelfth.  Mars and Saturn, two of my key planets, are in stressful aspect to Neptune.  I provide him with a sense of grounding and direction that is sometimes uncomfortable for him, but absolutely faithful.  In turn, he encourages my lightness and creativity.

That opposition resolved itself, but the Sun/Neptune opposition in the composite with my big crush has festered over our relationship for almost eight years now.  While the Mars/Neptune opposition was “about” my ex-boyfriend, I believe that the Sun/Neptune opposition in this chart is “about” me.  My flights of fancy and romanticism and new love and, quite frankly, delusion reached incredible heights during this time.  I was so happy wrapped up in Neptune’s glow that I almost willfully avoided asking hard questions.  For nine months I mooned over this boy and we awkwardly interacted–never touching, never delving into meaningful realities, but utterly addicted to each other’s company.  When the time came for us to move on to different places, he told me he had just gotten engaged.  Unlike the situation with my ex-boyfriend, this boy and I were never placed in a situation where we had to break through the veneer, and we have both been happy to let the illusions go unchallenged.  We have a complicated relationship that seems to receive boots of fortunate energy whenever one of us despairs of the other.  I have no idea what he thinks of me; some days I think that we are in love, other days I’m convinced he never thinks of me (he usually calls me not 24 hours later).  I still, after all these years, am “clouded” when I think about it, and have a hard time analyzing or understanding the situation.  How Neptunian…